


Cupcakes. Maketh. Man.

by malchik



Series: Hartwin Shorts [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Attempt at Humor, M/M, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 10:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3764068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malchik/pseuds/malchik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy and Roxy are part-time workers in a small cupcake bakery, and Harry is a mysterious, frequent customer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cupcakes. Maketh. Man.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bulletproof_gentleman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bulletproof_gentleman/gifts).



> (This is for you 'cause you're awesome. :333)
> 
> Not beta'd. Criticisms and corrections are appreciated.
> 
> Enjoy! x

**i. "Everybody knows, Eggsy," Roxy said. "Duh."**

 

“Hot daddy, twelve o’clock. He’s on the other side of the road and is about to come in.”  
  
Eggsy’s cheeks immediately flamed. He packed up the vanilla cupcakes for the woman in front of him and gave her a quick smile, before throwing Roxy a glare.  
  
“Wouldja stop it? We’re not the only ones here, yeah?” Eggsy hissed, tilting his head towards the line of people in front of the counter.  
  
Roxy gave him her best I'm-innocent look and closed the cash register. “What? I’m just saying. Besides, you don't have to be discreet - well, _as if_ you're discreet. You're more transparent than a boy playing poker for the first time and it's making me cringe. Don't worry, everyone who comes in here already knows of your crush, babe. Right, Mrs. Dancy?” she asked the old woman next line.  
  
Mrs. Darcy, eighty years old but still feeling very youthful, decided to participate with Roxy’s teasing.  
  
“Yes, definitely. Little red hearts practically ooze out of you whenever he’s here," she said, and Roxy giggled at the accuracy of her description. Mrs. Dancy puckered her lips in thought before she continued. "Eggsy dear, can I have one of those green tea ones, and another of that salted caramel cupcake?”  
  
He looked at them, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. “Why are you only sayin' this right now? Was I that obvious? I mean, really?" Roxy nodded, causing Eggsy to let out a groan.

He flailed his arms around. "Bruv, he’s bought his first cupcake here like three months and twelve days ‘go, and he’s here thrice a week. What if - what’s with your faces, the both of ya?”  
  
Roxy shrugged, sharing a wide grin with Mrs. Dancy. “I don’t know, you tell me.”  
  
Eggsy furrowed his eyebrows, thinking, _What the fuck are these two on? Should I be worried?_

And then it hit him, what he said.  
  
“Oh. Shiiit. Oh my God.”  
  
“Language, dear,” Mrs. Dancy reprimanded.  
  
Eggsy covered his face with his hands. “Can the ground just swallow me whole right now?” he said, his voice muffled. He was so embarrassed his face felt like it was having a third degree burn.  
  
“No, you can’t, ‘cause you haven’t given Mrs. Dancy her cupcakes yet. And update, Hot Daddy’s just come in.”  
  
“Shit!” In a flash, Eggsy sat on the floor and hid behind the wooden counter. Without getting himself seen (or so he thought), he opened the glass cupcake display and reached for Mrs. Dancy’s cupcakes using a pair of tongs. He shoved them in a box and handed them to Roxy without another word.  
  
Eggsy watched Roxy - who was still grinning madly, punch the purchase at the cash register before giving the box to Mrs. Dancy. “Here you go, ma’am. Enjoy!”  
  
Eggsy’s heart was still beating too fast, when, before leaving, Mrs. Dancy leaned on the counter. “Stand up, dear. You look stupid over there,” she whispered. “Look, those kids are gawking at you,” she pointed out, and true enough, two girls were peering through the glass, giggling.  
  
“Rox, can I get a break?” he whined. Roxy grabbed the tongs from his hands and squatted in front of the display case.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Please?”  
  
“No,” she said as she arranged an assortment of cupcakes inside a decorated box.  
  
“Pretty please, Rox? I’ll go with ya to that _MisterWives_ concert next Saturday, yeah?”  
  
“No need. The tickets were sold out weeks ago.”  
  
“ _Magic Man_?”  
  
“Finished.”  
  
“The Cleanin' Bandits?”  
  
“I’m pretty sure that band doesn’t exist, Eggsy.”  
  
Desperate, he gave her his best puppy-dog eyes. She stood up, and her expression softened once she saw his face. She sighed. “Come on, look. As much as I like you down there looking like JB, you need to stand up. We’re about to run out of cupcakes, and I need you to fetch us more from the back.”  
  
Eggsy’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Fine,” he grumbled, standing up. He glanced at the line again, straining his neck to get a glimpse of the man of his dreams ( _Eugh. Wow Eggsy, really?_  he thought), most likely dressed in one of his bespoke suits. When his eyes detected the faintest pattern of a pinstripe suit, he willed his head away and quickly entered the back room.  
  
As he was about to leave, he heard Roxy apologize to a customer, adding, “You know Eggsy, he’s kind of eccentric.”  
  
Eggsy wanted to go back and correct Roxy, but doing that would mean he’d have to see Harry Hart in his body-hugging suit again. Eggsy wasn’t averse to the idea itself (he’d been fingering his ass to fantasies of the man for _months_ ; he’ll never be averse to _that_ ), but the thing was, whenever that happened, sooner or later it would initiate eye contact, and then Eggsy would self-consciously smile at him, and then Harry would smile back, and then his hands would involuntarily wave back, and then -  
  
 _Yep. Eccentric’s good. Eccentric’s better._  
  
And _oh my god_ again.  
  
He’s so fucking obvious the others must have picked up on his crush since day one. God, he’s so slow he must have been reincarnated from a snail ( _No offense to the snail,_ he added).

Eggsy sighed the longest sigh ever for Guinness 2017. _I give up._  
  
“Eggsy! Cupcakes! I need lemon, blueberry and raspberry!”  
  
“Yeah, yeah!”  
  
He grabbed a tray of cupcakes on a nearby rack and started to decorate them with buttercream.  
  
Now that he thought about it - _oh who was he kidding_ he was thinking about it all the time - the first time Harry Hart entered the quaint, little cupcake shop they manned down in Chelsea, it was like watching a prince going inside a dungeon to save his princess ( _Or his prince,_ Eggsy thought shamelessly, with a blush). The whole scene was breathtaking really, and a little bit arousing - a man in his prime, wearing clothes that fit him so perfectly it was almost obscene, combed back hair that Eggsy desperately wanted to tousle with his fingers, and always with an umbrella by his side like a sword - it was straight out of a fairytale, if fairytale prince charmings were hot middle-aged men who wore suits and were 200% sexier than the nude models posing in the Benetton poster Eggsy had on his wall. And the way Harry Hart spoke - _Goddamn, would I grovel at my feet just to hear it every day._

He would never admit it to anyone - not even to Roxy, who was, take note, his best friend since primary school - but he was a sucker for the classic prince/princess fairy tales he read to Daisy before bedtime; although it seemed that he was more excited to it than she was, considering the fact that the kid was now leaning towards the darker, more obscure ones like those in those _Short and Shivery_ books they had (she's seriously in love with _The Robber Bridegroom_ at the moment). Personally, Eggsy thought Daisy was still too young for those kinds of stories, but then at dinner when Daisy’s spouting about the positive and negative effects of _Dora the Explorer_ to children, he kind of forgets about it.

The idea of being saved by someone was just lodged into his brain like some screw too rusted to be removed. He was no damsel in distress, mind - he can finish his own fight and can protect himself fine, thank you very much - but sometimes, trusting someone to be there when you fall or be there when you’re too tired to fend for yourself, he decided, must be one hell of a breather.

“Eggsy! Chop chop!”  
  
“Jeez! Don’t be a nag!”  
  
Eggsy dropped the piping bag on the table haphazardly and carried the tray back to the front of the shop. “Cupcakes are here,” he declared with a smile.

Which slid off his face when he saw who the next customer by the counter was.

The fresh tray of cupcakes almost slid from his grip when Harry Hart met his eyes and gave him a dimpled smile.

His knees were going jelly by the minute, so he shoved the tray in the display without even bothering to sort them into their proper places, and returned to the back room to hide. His ears were beet red and his mind was screaming ultrasonic _fucks_ and _shits_ by the time he sat his ass on one of the tables.

 _Fuckin’ Roxy and Mrs. Darcy,_ he thought. Now he’s so self-conscious he’s sure it would be painfully awkward every time Harry came in the shop.

“Eggsy!” Roxy called as she came after him.

He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at her in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. “Fuck off,” he said, but without much ferocity.  
  
“You’re too obvious, Eggsy. I mean, if you want your unrequited crush for Mr. Hart to remain secret, you’ve got to compose yourself whenever he’s here. You can’t go around reacting like a lovesick puppy.”

“’m not actin’ like a lovesick puppy, Rox.”

“Nope, I think you got the lovesick part A plus. You practically became a puddle back there.” (A/N: OMG get it?! lol ugh im pathetic)

“Ugh.” After a few minutes of silence, he whispered, “Where’s he now?”

Roxy shook his head, obviously giving up. “He’s in his usual place, waiting for his usual orders.”

“Raspberry cupcake and Earl Grey tea?”

“Yup, that one. And you haven’t put icing on a single raspberry cupcake so I’m here to remind you.”

“Oh, sorry.”

She peered at the racks. “Wait. Oh, no. I think we’re out already.”

Eggsy muttered something unintelligible.

“Sorry? Didn’t catch that.”

“...freezer.”

“What?”

“I ‘ave three hidden in the freezer!” Eggsy never thought he could blush any further, but his face must have the ability to be a furnace now.

His best friend grabbed the sides of her waist, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“Why in the world would would you - _oh_ ,” Roxy said, her eyes and mouth widening in comprehension and amusement. “One for each day of the week he comes here, right? Did you make them last night just for him?”

Eggsy didn’t look her in the eye.

Roxy _squealed_. “Oh my god! You did!” She almost pranced in glee. “Gosh! Don’t you love this day, Eggsy? There are so much,” she continued, pausing for theatrical effect, “ _revelations._ "

“Shut up,” Eggsy said under his breath.

Roxy smiled good-naturedly, before cupping his face with her hands. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’ll stop teasing you now. Let’s get those cupcakes out of the freezer and let Mr. Harry have his cupcake and tea, okay?”

Eggsy faked a pout, saying, “‘m not a kid, y’know,” although he felt a little bit better. “Don’t laugh when you see them, okay?” he said, getting off the table.

“I’ll try.”

“Rox.”

“Fine, I won’t. Promise.”

Eggsy got out a small plastic container containing three cupcakes. They were light pink, coated in dark red cupcake wrappers, and iced generously with buttercream of the same hue, a raspberry lodged on top to finish.

Roxy whistled. “Wow. And I thought the cupcakes we sell were already pretty. They’re great, Eggsy.”

“You think so?” Eggsy asked, his face lighting up. “There’s raspberry fillin’ inside. I hope he likes it.”

"Did you use expensive ingredients?"

"Duh."

“Should have known. How did I not see these before?”

“Well, I sneak out when your back’s on me so that I can place them on his table.”

“Ah.” When she saw him not getting the cupcakes out of the container, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Can ya give it to him this time, Roxy?”

“Why? And here I thought you really like him.”

“I do. ‘s just that, I don’t know, maybe I’d do somethin’ humiliatin’ in front of him, and I don’t want that,” Eggsy said. “‘s your fault, really. You even got Mrs. Darcy to play along,” he added, grumbling.

“Okay, _fine_.” She arranged a cupcake on a small platter. “I’ll give him the message, yeah?” Roxy said with a wink, exiting the room before Eggsy could say another word.

Eggsy flipped her off, muttering, “No more teasing, she said.”

**Author's Note:**

> (Honestly this is like the product of binge-watching Cupcake Wars and listening to too much Hilary Duff idk lol)
> 
> Talk to me on [Tumblr](http://pretentious-trash.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
